Pieces of Me

Once of my favorite songs is Ledisi's "Pieces of Me". That song describes me to the T! It says so much about how I feel on a daily basis. I have learned how to cover my true feelings for the sake of others, and  I am a master at laughing to keep from crying.  I have a bad habit of compromising my own happiness for the sake of others. It's funny how I can be strong for everyone else but me. I'm too busy worried about hurting someone's feelings.

I realize now I can't really help that because these things were instilled in me at a very young age. When someone said "aww she's so pretty", my aunt would say "no she aint"! Although I love her to the depths of my soul, she was mean as hell to me growing up. I will share that another day. Today I'm just preparing you for what's to come. My life was like the Color Purple, "You bet not tell nobody but God".

To endure all the things that were inflicted upon me was like a right of passage. Bad things were suppose to happen to me, and I was supposed to just get over it. What people did not realize is that their choices not only effected me, but it effected my future. Because of the things I went through in life, I became broken and desperate to be fixed. And I allowed things to happen to myself because I was already dead, so I couldn't feel anything else. See when your spirit and your soul is gone,you are dead! You just linger here until you get resuscitated, or you return to the dust from which you came.

Growing up I didn't really have anyone to talk to so I would write in my journal. I remember having to take my journal with me cause I may not have made it to this age had my aunt read my inner most deepest feelings! Writing in my journal gave me piece of mind at a time where I was loosing my mind. It allowed me to "tell" my pain", it just didn't give me any solutions. I remember I was in first grade and you know they ask you  "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I remember saying "I want to be an OBGYN and I want to go to UCLA." Imagine my shock when the teacher's aide told me, "We as black women are either teachers or nurses and we go to Bethune Cookman or Florida A&M!" Little did she know she planted the seed of doubt that day, and it joined the already long list of "You will never succeed because..."

Later in life I began to consider journalism. I was told I couldn't do that either. I was offered a modeling contract at sixteen,my aunt shut that down quick! She said models were whores and that was out of the question! The next year I was accepted into an engineering program at the University of South Florida. I hadn't even finished high school! We went down there paid the fees took the tour, and a week before I was to leave,my aunt changed her mind and wouldn't let me go. The last straw was getting a full ride to the Art Institute in Atlanta and she said nope, can't do that either!Out of angry I asked my aunt, "Everything that is offered you tell me I can't do it, why can't I have a better life?"

No one could have ever prepare my for the Five Heartbeats moment that came!

She looked at me in utter disgust and said " You ain gon be shit. You gonna be just like that no good mammy of yours,always from pillow to post with a house full of babies. Ain nobody gon waste no time on you when you ain gon do right!"

Although the seed of "Never being good enough" was planted, some cow manure was added to the soil and it sprung up over night!

If someone asked me how I was doing, She would answer " She don't do shit so how is she supposed to be doing?"

Funny that I went through all that physical,mental, and emotional abuse, and when I talk to someone who got a glimpse,they always say "I felt so sorry for you" I always think, why didn't you help me?!

I think I had to go through that to help someone else. Yeah I'm optimistic like that. Im always trying to find the silver lining and I don't think that will ever stop because that's who I am. 

I want to end this with a positive. You can't let the past run ahead of your future or you will never leave it behind. Stop looking for change in other people. There have to be some villains in this world. Some you will see be evil and then miraculously change, and then there will be the ones that will stay that way and you will know not to be them.

                                                                                    Camela Joyce